


White Silence

by babytobin_horse



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-14 20:26:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2201940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babytobin_horse/pseuds/babytobin_horse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the span of a year, they go from best friends to almost strangers. It's not Tobin's fault the job was to good to turn down, yet it's not Alex's fault she's so confused (or is it?).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you to Emily for helping me improve this fic. I hope you guys enjoy it with all the work I put into it :)

**May 2013**

 

_“You’re so good to me,” Alex mumbled, looking up for Tobin’s shoulder. Tears were stained on her face, but her eyes shone as she spoke._

_“You’re my best friend.” Tobin shrugged as if it was obvious._

_Alex nods, but her gaze remained on Tobin. “And god…you’re so beautiful, Tobs.”_

_“What?” Tobin raised an eyebrow._

_“Mhmm.”_

_“Never giving you vodka ever again,” she teased, shaking her head. “Makes me think you’ll be extra nice to me.”_

_Alex smiled a little. “But you are beautiful. So damn beautiful.”_

_Tobin blushed. “Thanks Lex.”_

_She felt Alex’s eyes still on her, as if trying to recall every feature on Tobin’s face. The older girl’s eyes lifted to Alex’s trying to understand what was going on through the other girl’s mind. She felt herself becoming completely mesmerized by the ocean of blue she’d seen so many times before, but had never really seen until now._

_Tobin felt her eyelids grow heavy as if gravity was tugging at them. The next thing she knew, she was feeling Alex’s lips against hers. At first, all she felt was shock over her body. Her best friend was kissing her. Her best friend she’d wanted to kiss and hold like this for so long was kissing her. After a moment, Alex’s lips were still on hers. Tobin did the only thing she felt at the moment and went with her gut._

_Her chapped lips trembled against soft ones, nerves getting the best of her. Immediately, Alex’s hand wrapped around Tobin’s neck to pull her closer. Tobin’s hand reached up to the younger girl’s face, gently caressing her cheek. The kisses deepened and although Tobin knew she should stop, she couldn’t bring her herself to pull away._

_Finally, they pulled away from each other, both gasping for air. Tobin looked into Alex’s eyes to try to understand, but all she found was a haze of nothing._

_Vodka._

_“Alex…” Tobin trailed off, unsure of what words were supposed to come out of her mouth._

_Alex stared at her with a desire Tobin had never seen before. “You’re such a good kisser,” she stated, going in for another round._

_Tobin separated herself immediately, jumping off the couch. Her head was spinning from the feeling of Alex’s kisses. She knew she couldn’t handle anymore. Alex was running off the vodka and a bad break up anyway._

_“Let’s get you to bed,” she suggested, eyes looking anywhere but Alex._

_“But Tobin, I’m not-“_

_“Just, please,” Tobin begged, taking a deep breath to calm her body. “Go.”_

_In a small voice, Alex replied, “Okay.” She stood, beginning to make her way to the bedroom before stopping to ask, “Stay tonight. Please?”_

_Of course Tobin couldn’t deny her anything._

 

**August 2013**

 

_They were lying on Tobin’s rooftop like they had so many times before, except this time was different: it was the last time they’d do this together for months because Tobin was leaving for Paris in the morning._

_“I’m going to miss this view,” Tobin admitted._

_“Yeah, but I’m sure Paris has some nice views to offer,” Alex pointed out, still gazing at the stars._

_Tobin wrinkled her nose. “I doubt it.”_

_She wasn’t talking about the stars. She wasn’t even looking at them. She was looking at Alex._

_But of course Alex didn’t notice. She never did._

_The younger woman laughed, and Tobin quickly turned her head to the sky as Alex turned to face her. “Tobin, you’re going to be in Paris. You’ll have the Eiffel tower and that castle! What was it…Versailles?”_

_Tobin turned to face her again and smirked. “Good. I won’t have to see your ugly face every day.”_

_Alex scoffed, giving her a hard smack on the arm. “You’re an asshole!”_

_“I was kidding!” Tobin laughed, nudging Alex. “You’re gorgeous, Lexy.”_

_“I hate you and that nickname,” Alex glared at her._

_“Wow, looks like someone won’t be missing me while I’m gone.”_

_“Nope. Not for a moment.”_

_“Not even for a little?”_

_“Who are you?”_

_Tobin chuckled, moving stray hairs out of Alex’s face. “You’re ridiculous, Morgan.”_

_“I’m really going to miss you, Heath.”_

_There they were, facing each other on Tobin’s rooftop with a star-filled sky above and hardly any space between them. Tobin was leaving soon, so she gave into her desires._

_She leaned in and kissed Alex._

_This time, it was Alex in complete shock. But less than a moment later she was kissing back. It wasn’t as lustful and hungry as the last time. This time was sweet and gentle and if Tobin really thought about it – a bittersweet goodbye._

_Alex pulled away seconds later, a surprised expression on her face. She looked at Tobin for answers. As her expression changed, Tobin knew she shouldn’t have done it._

_“Tobin-“_

_“No – I didn’t… We – I happened to – it was....”_

_“I can’t believe you just did that.”_

_Alex Morgan was in shock. She’d been single for only a few months and Tobin just kissed her. Last time she checked, she was still trying to get over Servando._

_“Me either to be honest,” Tobin mumbled, averting her gaze._

_“Why did you do it then?” Alex asked._

_Tobin looked back up at her to see her ocean blue eyes wide with confusion. She was trying to put pieces together, but nothing was adding up for Alex._

_“I don’t know,” Tobin answered lamely, sitting up and pulling her knees to her chest. She wrapped her arms around them and kept her eyes on the sky._

_“Bullshit,” Alex called, also sitting up. “Talk to me, Tobin.”_

_Tobin sighed, giving in. “I had to do it before I left.”_

_“Why?” Alex asked._

_The older woman sighed, her shoulders dropping as her shyness rose. “I’ve wanted to for awhile.”_

_Alex’s eyes widened. “How long?”_

_Tobin didn’t answer._

_“Tobin…”_

_“Since you kissed me after Servando broke up with you,” she blurted._

_Alex blinked, staring at Tobin. “Oh.”_

_“Yeah…but you were drunk so…”_

_“Answer something for me. Please. Before you leave.”_

_Tobin debated it in her mind, but decided since it was her last night and she’d already kissed Alex, there was nothing more to lose. “Fine.”_

_“Do you have feelings for me?”_

_“…Maybe.”_

_The two sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity and then Alex finally stood._

_“I should go home.”_

_Tobin’s eyes lifted. “Alex…”_

_Alex shook her head. “Have fun in Paris, Tob. And if you find someone there, go for it. Don’t think about me.”_

_“Alex, don’t do this,” Tobin pleaded. “We can talk about this.”_

_Alex let out a humorless laugh. “You leave tomorrow. We can’t ‘talk about this’ right now. There’s nothing to talk about! You have feelings for me and I’m still trying to get over Servando. It’s simple.”_

_“Lex…” Tobin said one more time. A final plead._

_“Take care, Tobin,” Alex nodded, walking to the window of Tobin’s room._

_Tobin waited and watched Alex drive away before letting out a frustrated groan._

 

_

 

**May 2014**

 

Early in the morning, Alex woke up feeling anxious and jittery, which was unusual because nothing ever truly fazed the young brunette. She turned onto her back to stare at the blank ceiling above, as she tried to figure out why these emotions that were taking her by surprise. It only took her a moment to make the connection.

Tobin’s welcome back dinner was tonight.

Well, the anxiety was more likely because Tobin comes back today.

The brunette’s blue eyes widened at the realization right before her heartbeat accelerated. She sat up in bed, immediately whipping her head toward the clock and doing the mental math. Tobin was on her way back to America after nine long months. Tobin was coming back.

She hadn’t seen Tobin since August. Alex hadn’t spoken to her since then either. It had been a good nine months since she’d actually talked to or seen her “best friend.” Were they even considered best friends anymore? Best friends typically talked to each other whenever possible and actually tried to communicate with each other. Perhaps they stopped being best friends the night before Tobin left, but she wasn’t sure who was at fault. Tobin had kissed her when Alex was still pining after Servando, but Alex was the one who pushed her away.

At the time, Alex had a right to do what she did. She was still hurting over the break up and hadn’t given thought to other feelings, but it would’ve been a lie if Alex hadn’t thought of the feeling of Tobin’s lips on hers since the drunken kiss. If she was being honest, her feelings had been too jumbled at the time to have a real conversation with Tobin that night. Tobin had been there for her every step of the way, even before Servando had been in the picture. So yeah, she meant a lot to Alex, but the actual feelings there weren’t obvious to her until five months after Tobin left and she hadn’t heard a word from her.

Tonight was going to be a big night in terms of figuring out what her and Tobin even were. At this point, a smile and a high five would be acceptable in the younger woman’s eyes. She needed to know that Tobin didn’t hate her for turning her down that night on the rooftop. For now, that would be enough.

 

-

 

Hours later, Alex found herself in the Holiday household with friends. As time ticked by, the butterflies in her stomach grew, constantly reminding her that someone was supposed to be walking through the door. She shouldn’t have been so nervous to see her best friend again, but still she was. And in the very back of her mind, Alex knew why she was. She simply didn’t want to acknowledge or admit it.

“Guys!” Kelley squealed, jumping away from the window. “Lauren’s pulling into the driveway with Tobin!”

At this, Alex’s stomach dropped as she stood amongst her friends, arms crossed tightly against her chest. This was it. Tobin was really back.

“How did you make it without Tobin for this long?” Amy teased lightly, giving Alex a slight smirk.

The younger woman let out a breezy laugh and offered a small shrug. “I guess it’s a miracle.”

“SHUT UP, SHE’S HERE!” Kelley, obviously the most excited out of everyone in the house, screamed while dashing past everyone to the door to welcome Tobin home first.

Alex couldn’t help but laugh at her smaller friend’s antics, yet when the door opened, Alex didn’t remember how to properly function. She stood a little further from the front door with Amy, waiting for their friend. She had to remind herself how to breathe because her best friend was home. Tobin was safe and back home. That’s all that mattered. Anxiety still twisted in her stomach.

“Hey Kelley,” Tobin laughed, dropping a bag to steady herself before both she and Kelley--who immediately jumped onto her as soon as the door swung open--toppled over.

Shivers went up Alex’s spine as she heard the familiarity of Tobin’s voice. A smile naturally found its place on her face as she took a few steps to see what was going on. She rolled her eyes at Kelley still clinging onto Tobin, but of course Tobin took it in stride, just like she always did.

“Kelley, please let go of Tobin,” Lauren requested in her typical motherly tone. “You’re not the only one in the house.”

“She was gone forever!” Kelley wailed, but hopped off of Tobin anyway. “Don’t leave us like that again, Frenchy!”

Alex took Tobin in, trying to maintain an indifferent expression. Alex noticed the woman’s tan had faded from all the rain in Paris, but she still that faint tone that Alex was used to. Her hair had grown quite a bit, and Alex knew all too well Tobin only cut it twice a year, nothing more than a few inches each time. Something was different about her, though. Alex could tell right away. Was it the hint of newfound confidence in her stance? Maybe it her hair or the lazy rainy days Alex could sense Tobin loved dearly while in France. Or was it the something in Tobin’s honey maple eyes that Alex couldn’t quite place, but was well aware was there?

So lost in thought, Alex missed most of the mini-reunions Tobin was having with the others in the room. All she could hear was the faint mumble that was easily recognized as Tobin’s voice, and that was enough for Alex. Soon enough, Tobin was just a few steps away with hands in her pockets and an amused look on her face. It made Alex’s stomach flip.

Why was she nervous? It was just her best friend. Oh, her best friend she hadn’t actually talked to since she left.

“So did you miss me or am I mistaken to believe we’re best friends?”

Alex let out a raspy laugh, knowing very well it was a nervous one. The teasing in Tobin’s tone was able to relax her a bit and she grinned.

“Nope, didn’t miss you at all.”

“Huh,” Tobin nodded, mock disappointment on her face. “Now I don’t feel too bad about not missing you either.”

The younger woman gave a glare, but it quickly broke into a smile as she held her arms open. “Come here, you dork.”

The slightly shorter woman chuckled and took two quick steps into Alex’s arms, holding her around the waist loosely. Alex’s arms found themselves quickly around Tobin’s middle and held on tightly, her face finding its typical spot into her shoulder. She inhaled the scent and was relieved to find that Paris didn’t take away the ocean and citrus mixture that identified the woman in her grasp as Tobin Heath.

“I missed you so damn much,” she admitted in a soft mumble into Tobin’s shoulder.

“You too, Lex,” Tobin whispered in her ear, but her voice was distant.

Tobin let go all too quickly for Alex’s liking, to say hello to old friends she’d left behind in her journey to Paris. It took Alex a moment to notice something else was different, this time in their interaction. Tobin didn’t hold her as close as she use to. Alex also noticed that Tobin’s words didn’t seem as real and honest as they were known to be. Had something between them changed in the time Tobin was gone?

“Hey Alex, you all right?” Lauren asked, noticing the sudden change of expression on her face.

Alex nodded, giving a small smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just really missed her, that’s all.”

“Same here.” Lauren smiled back before dashing off into the kitchen to grab a few more plates.

The blue-eyed woman let out a shaky breath as she watched Tobin jump into conversation with Amy and Christen. She was fascinated by the way her best friend was still full of energy after a long flight home. Then again, Alex knew Tobin was always one to sleep on a plane ride. After watching her for another moment, Alex came to the conclusion that nothing changed at all. Tobin was just gone for too long. That’s all it was.

 

-

 

“Dude, you still suck in this game.”

Alex scoffed, eyes still on the screen. “Like you’re any better.”

“Who’s winning?” Tobin smirked back in response.

The two were at Alex’s place a few days after Tobin’s return, battling each other in FIFA. Tobin was already winning at the start of second half, 3-1, but of course Alex wasn’t ready to give up. It was in her nature to compete, so that’s what she did.

Alex liked this. She liked this a lot. It reminded her of normalcy between the two of them. It was something they used to do all the time before Tobin left. It was something that occurred because they were best friends and nothing was weird between them. So yeah, it was good.

“HA! Looks like you’re a bit rusty,” Tobin teased, giving Alex a smug look while her team celebrated yet another goal on screen. “What? Did you not play while I was gone?”

“Maybe I had no one worthy of competing against,” Alex said vaguely with a small shrug.

Tobin looked at her for a moment with a smile that showed her teeth. A strand of hair fell across her forehead because her perpetually loose ponytail was coming undone from all the shouting, jumping, and light shoving from the game. Her eyes were sparkling and there was still something there that Alex had yet to pinpoint. Tobin was different and it was obvious. It’d been bothering Alex for days, but she still couldn’t figure it out.

“Game isn’t over yet, Lex,” Tobin reminded her, nodding to the screen. “Or have you already admitted defeat?”

Alex let out a laugh, giving her a light nudge. “You’ve been in Paris for too long, Tobin. You know I’ll never admit defeat.”

 

But she did lose. It was a whopping 4-2 loss to Tobin’s team – Arsenal, of course – in FIFA. At the end of the game, she tossed the controller aside after turning the console off with a big pout on her face.

“Don’t feel bad,” Tobin began, setting her controller to the side. “You can’t be good at everything.”

“I hate you.”

“You don’t.” the older woman laughed, nudging the younger one’s shoulder.

“Okay. Well, I missed you,” Alex admitted, looking at Tobin carefully.

Tobin’s smile softened. “I missed you too.”

She leaned over and hugged Alex loosely. Alex wrapped her arms around Tobin’s waist, digging her face into Tobin’s shoulder. They stayed in that position for a few minutes, Alex’s body inching closer. Tobin pulled away first, leaving Alex to suddenly miss her arms holding her. Blue eyes met brown and it was then that Alex noticed how close they were to each other. Her eyes flickered to Tobin’s lips and there was a rising feeling in her chest that she quickly fought to ignore. Their knees were touching and Tobin looked down at them awkwardly for a moment before getting up quickly.

“Do you have any soda?” she asked, already making her way to the kitchen.

It took a moment for Alex to recover from what just happened before replying, “Yeah, I have some cold ones in the fridge. Grab one for me.”

“Got it!” Tobin called from the kitchen.

Alex sighed, running a hand through her hair. She needed to control herself. Tobin had just come back and things were still different, no matter how hard Alex tried to convince herself they weren’t. Perhaps they wouldn’t have been different if Alex hadn’t tasted Tobin’s lips the first night.

There weren’t many things that Alex remembered from that warm May night. There wasn’t much to remember in the first place because Tobin had made her go to bed early. She remembered Servando breaking up with her. She remembered taking the vodka out of the freezer. She remembered sending a text to Tobin. The rest was just vague jumble after opening the door to let her best friend in.

Alex recalled the next morning clearly.

 

_Her head hurt a little, and her lips burned fiercely. It took her a few minutes to figure out what was going on. The first thing that hit her was Servando breaking up with her – that one hurt a lot. Another minute later she remembered cuddling with Tobin on the couch while she cried, and somehow her sheets didn’t feel warm around her as she recalled the feeling of Tobin holding her. It took only a moment later for her to figure out why her lips burned._

_She kissed Tobin Heath, her best friend. The memory had completely taken her by surprise, causing an involuntary gasp. The rest of the night’s events came quickly and Alex turned to find the other side of the bed empty. With a slight frown, she turned to her nightstand to get her phone, but instead found a glass of water with a pill. Tobin had still been there, and Alex needed to figure out what last night meant to her._

_She walked into the kitchen to find Tobin making them breakfast as if nothing had happened. She opened her mouth to talk about last night’s events when Tobin, with a tight-lipped smile and something different in her eyes, told her they could pretend it never happened._

_So they did._

 

“Here,” Tobin said coming back to the living room with two soda cans in hand, breaking Alex’s thoughts apart.

“Thanks,” Alex smiled, taking the can from her and allowing herself a long sip. The cool liquid felt good as it went down her throat. Somehow her lips were on fire as if they’d been kissed. Well, she’d been pretty close.

Maybe she and Tobin wanted to pretend it never happened then, but now, watching Tobin give her a goofy smile before sipping her soda, Alex wasn’t so sure.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

In a lot of ways, Paris did Tobin plenty of good. It gave her the taste of adventures and exploration she hadn’t realized she needed until she stepped outside of the airport and took a look around her. Though there had been a ton of heartache still present when she arrived, she knew France meant new beginnings. With the alone time given to her due to being in a country with no connections besides her job, it gave Tobin a lot of time to think, and unfortunately for her, thinking somehow always landed back to Alex Morgan.

Alex. The name haunted her for a while when she first arrived in Paris. The memory of how she completely screwed up followed her as well. The image of Alex that seemed the most clear in her mind was the look the younger woman wore when she left Tobin on the rooftop so many months ago. She looked upset and confused and if Tobin had tried to reach out to her, she was pretty sure Alex would have flinched. It pained her to know she caused that look on the girl’s face, to know that she had truly ruined everything. So when she hadn’t heard from Alex weeks after leaving, she knew it was probably game over.

If Tobin was being honest, feelings for Alex had been there for a long time, longer than the night Alex drunkenly kissed her. But of course, she had to play the best friend role every day because Alex had Servando. Yet soon enough, Alex didn’t have Servando. She spent almost every day with Tobin after the break up, and the amount of times Tobin had to stop herself from leaning in and kissing Alex again was uncountable by the time she booked her flight for France. So when she kissed her the night before she left, Tobin figured it was a “fuck it” type of thing.

Tobin Heath arrived in France with heartache and sadness, but she left with the start of something good. She had made friends in Paris, important people she wasn’t sure she could live without at this point. When it came time for her to return to the states, the pit feeling began to form in her stomach. It wasn’t necessarily because she was leaving the new place she was considering calling home, but because coming back meant seeing Alex. And hell, did Tobin have a lot she was keeping from Alex (and most of her other friends – but most importantly Alex.)

Did Alex even want to see her? Or was she still upset about the kiss that happened the night before she left? They literally hadn’t spoken in months and Tobin wasn’t even sure she’d see the other woman. Those thoughts ran through her mind as the radio filled Lauren’s car.

“Tobin, what’s wrong? Did France get you all talked out?” Lauren teased, glancing at her friend before returning her eyes to the road.

Tobin offered a soft chuckle and shook her head. “I don’t know. I’m just…thinking.”

The curly-haired woman nodded, letting the current song on the radio fill in the silence between them for a moment. “She’s going to be there tonight, you know.”

The statement made Tobin look at Lauren instead of outside her window. No one really knew what was going on between Alex and Tobin, but it had been evident that they hadn’t spoken since Tobin left. She hadn’t really spoken to anyone since she left. France was a nice adventure for her and she didn’t want anything to hold her back. So she kind of distanced herself from her life in America to live her life in France. Except for the nights she lay in bed in her Parisian apartment and craved to be in her own bed and eat, hang out with friends and surf. Those nights she called Lauren or Kelley and talked to them until she fell asleep.

“Oh,” Tobin said, looking back out her window. “Okay.”

Lauren snuck another look at Tobin, trying to get a read of her friend. Something was different about her, something big and Lauren decided that maybe France did help Tobin accidentally finding herself.

“Just suck it up,” she finally decided. “She misses you, Tobin. And you miss her. So when you see her just give her a hug cause I know you want to, okay?”

Tobin let out a long sigh, leaning her head on the window as a familiar neighborhood came into view. “Okay.”

Even if Lauren was right, there was no way Alex missed her the way that Tobin had missed Alex for so long. She missed everything about Alex, but the little things especially. She missed the way Alex threw her head back when she was laughing hard. She missed the extra rasp Alex’s voice had when she was tired or whispering. She missed Alex’s touch, and…her lips. She missed all those things while she was gone, and just when she thought she wasn’t missing those things anymore right before coming back, there she was in Lauren’s car aching for all the small things about Alex once again. She closed her eyes for a moment, reminding herself of something important she left in Paris.

_You can’t think about those things anymore._

 

Tobin couldn’t say she was surprised when Alex allowed her to go around and say hello to everyone else first. If she had been in the same position, she’d do the same. After talking to almost everyone but Alex, she decided it was time to greet her. For a moment she pondered how to even approach her. What was acceptable for them?

“You guys are friends. She missed you,” Lauren commented softly as she passed by with a tray of food. “Just go.”

The shorter woman watched her friend go and sighed. She was right. So with her nerve trying to stay at bay, she shoved her hands in her pockets and looked at Alex.

“So did you miss me or am I mistaken to believe we’re best friends?”

When Alex returned the banter, Tobin’s body relaxed in relief. Finally there was a sense of normalcy between them after months of radio silence from both ends. She gladly stepped into Alex’s opens arms, but kept herself reserved. Things were different than they were when she left and more than just because her and Alex had a complicated friendship.

“I missed you so damn much.”

Alex’s lips moving against the fabric of Tobin’s clothes caused her to exhale slowly. She needed to keep it together.

 _Remember what’s in France_ , she thought to herself.

“You too Lex,” she absentmindedly replied.

Having Alex this close to her wasn’t supposed to feel good anymore. It couldn’t.

 

-

 

Tobin pressed her forehead onto the cool steel of Alex’s fridge. She let out a heavy breath, pressing her palm up against the cold surface as well. Alex Morgan looked like she was about to kiss her, and feeling her warm thigh pressed up against Tobin’s didn’t help much either. The scariest part of it all was that a part of Tobin still wanted to kiss Alex.

_Get your shit together, Tobin. You can’t kiss Alex. You can’t want to kiss her._

She took another deep breath and pulled her forehead away from the fridge and opening the door on the right, searching the appliance’s contents until she found the soda cans. She didn’t want to make assumptions – especially not when it came to Alex – but she had this nagging feeling that Alex had actually wanted to kiss her. Wanted to kiss her meant that the younger woman was actually aware of her actions this time around. But wasn’t that impossible? Alex had made it pretty clear she wasn’t interested in Tobin.

Wait, why was Tobin even interested anyway? She shouldn’t – couldn’t – be even pondering the thought of Alex wanting to kiss her. Tobin wasn’t the same person from when she left, and no one really understood that. It wasn’t that they didn’t care about Tobin or pay attention, but rather that Tobin kept certain things more to herself. But she never really kept anything from Alex – besides her feelings (for a while anyway) – until now. This secret she was keeping was too big to just drop casually, and if she was being honest Tobin was planning on keeping it a secret just a little bit longer until she figured out how to tell Alex.

Shutting the door of the fridge with her hip due to the two soda cans in her hands, the older woman let the cold cans cool her down. She made way back into the living room where Alex was zoned out and Tobin was well aware that it meant she was lost in her thoughts. She was curious as to what was going through Alex’s mind at the moment, if it was anything close to what Tobin was thinking about.

“Here,” she said, snapping her best friend out of whatever thoughts she was pondering and handing her a can.

Alex looked up at her and took the can before thanking her. Tobin was well aware Alex still wasn’t completely with her at the moment, some lingering thoughts in her mind as she took a long sip of the drink. She wanted to ask what was on the younger woman’s mind, but something in her was too afraid to hear the answer.

So instead Tobin quirked an eyebrow and asked, “Do you want to play again?”

“Your ass is so getting kicked,” Alex laughed, putting her soda to the side and grabbing the remote.

Tobin relaxed and her lips turned up into a smile when she noticed Alex’s ocean blue eyes clear up. Whatever thoughts that had been bothering her before were obviously at the back of her mind now.

Maybe it was possible to let things play out smoothly, Tobin brightly thought before taking a long sip of her soda.

 

-

 

Tobin stirred her smoothie with the plastic straw, watching the small amount of the drink she had left swirl. Lauren finished off the last of her fries before asking the waitress passing by for the check. They’d been there for a good hour and a half already, but it was no surprise to either of them. They had always been close. In fact, Tobin knew Lauren before she knew Alex, but she was close with Lauren differently than how she was with Alex.

Lauren played more of an older sister or motherly figure in Tobin’s life. She was constantly looking out for the younger one for as long as she could remember. No matter what, the curly-haired woman had to make sure Tobin was okay wherever she was. She also happened to be the only one who suspected Tobin’s feelings for Alex before France, but Tobin denied her accusations every time they had been brought up. Eventually Lauren learned to drop it, and instead observe from afar.

“You look like you’re about to fall asleep on me,” Lauren lightly teased after taking a sip of her drink.

Tobin offered a lazy smile, looking up from her smoothie. “Jet lag.”

“Excuses,” the older woman laughed, waving it off. “Tell me more about Paris, Tobs. I want to hear it all.”

“I’ve already told you a lot,” Tobin chuckled, tossing a napkin at her.

Lauren smiled, discarding the napkin aside with a roll of her eyes. “I feel like it’s not everything. Are you hiding something from me, Tobin Heath?”

Tobin’s heart beat faster at the sound of the question. By the quirk in Lauren’s eyebrow and slight smirk, slight smile she wore, it was obvious that the curly-haired woman was joking, but the fact that she had no clue that Tobin was indeed hiding something made the younger woman internally panic.

“Would I ever?” Tobin managed to question back, quirking an eyebrow of her own.

It was meant to be a tease. The answer was supposed to be “no”, but through Tobin’s façade Lauren could see her friend was indeed giving off less than she wasn’t sharing. Yet Lauren was well aware that if she tried to push Tobin in talking about it, Tobin would refuse to share anything at all and go silent. So she let out a soft sigh and shook her head.

“I missed you,” she smiled, thanking the waitress for the check when she returned.

“I miss you too Chen,” Tobin grinned. “No one could stop me from doing stupid things.”

Lauren chuckled softly, placing some cash on the table. “Don’t leave us like that again.”

“I don’t think I will,” Tobin admitted as what was left in Paris floating to the forefront of her mind.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

“I’m tired,” Tobin whined, rolling onto her stomach.

Alex laughed, nudging her lightly. “You haven’t done anything all day.”

“Jet lag,” the older woman mumbled, closing her eyes as she nudged Alex back. “I need sleep.”

“You’ve been back for a week. You sure it’s jet lag?” the blue-eyed girl teased, admiring the way Tobin’s face looked so peaceful when her eyes were closed.

“Mhmm,” Tobin murmurs, eyes still closed. “Now let me sleep. I haven’t slept all day.”

The younger woman laughed, lightly hitting Tobin’s arm as she propped herself up on her elbow. “No. You’re the one who called me at midnight so we can see the stars from your rooftop. Now you’re going to see damn stars when I should be sleeping.”

Tobin opened one eye, smirking at her. “Why’d you say yes then?”

Alex shrugged noncommittally with a small smile on her face. “I guess it’s cool when we do this. It’s as if you never left.”

She settled for that answer because answering with “While you were gone I realized I have feelings for you and want to be with you and this was the last thing we did together before you left and the second and last time I felt your lips on mine” wasn’t a reasonable answer. It was much too forward.

Tobin chuckled softly, then her phone beeped. Alex raised an eyebrow. It was midnight, who could possibly be talking to her at this hour? She watched Tobin lazily grab her phone while still lying on her stomach and read what Alex assumed to be a text. The older woman laughed and rolled her eyes before typing a response.

Alex slightly frowned. “Who’s that?”

“Oh, just…someone from France,” Tobin casually replied, but of course Alex knew it was more than just “someone.” It had to be. The only people who actually made Tobin laugh out loud at messages were Alex, Kelley and Lauren. At least that’s the way it was before Tobin left.

“Cool,” she answered, looking away. There was a slight deflation in her voice from her previous happiness and when she felt Tobin’s eyes on her, she knew her best friend could tell. She sat up and focused her attention on the sky.

“Lex,” Tobin called slowly, turning over so she could properly sit up.

“What?”

“Why are you acting like this?” Tobin frowned, her eyes furrowed.

Alex risked a glance at her and her gaze softened at the sight. She sighed, trying to come up with a reasonable excuse. She wasn’t about to admit that she was jealous of Tobin’s life without her in Paris. Or that someone else could make Tobin laugh the way Alex did.

“I…it was a really long time without you,” Alex answered in a small voice.

Tobin slightly smiled. “I’m here now. I’m home.”

Alex couldn’t help but smile back. “I know.”

The two turned their attention to the sky, looking at the stars like they had planned. Alex could feel Tobin’s leg pressed against hers as well as wisps of Tobin’s locks brushing against her shoulder.

“You know, if this was a date, it’d be pretty romantic,” Alex commented, half joking. She looked at Tobin, wondering what her reaction would be.

Tobin slightly stiffened, looking at Alex. “Yeah,” she said, quickly looking away. “But we’re not dating.” She scooted away just a little so there was no contact between them. Alex’s leg suddenly felt cold.

There was a hint of something in her voice, but Alex can’t tell whether it was sadness or bitterness or maybe both.

“I know,” Alex replies with a strained voice.

Although they were still next to each other, it was as if Tobin was miles away again. There was an infinite space between them and Alex wanted to slap herself for causing it to happen.

She cringed, recalling the last time they were on Tobin’s rooftop.

That time they were sober, completely sober. Tobin had kissed her, and she had kissed her back. What happened next had been a mess that Alex wasn’t able to clean up in the morning because one of them had boarded a flight for Paris.

“Tobin, the last time we were here…” Alex started, but her voice trailed off when Tobin shook her head.

“Let’s not talk about it, please. I want to enjoy this.” Tobin’s figure was rigid and she was curled into herself. “You made your stance clear before I left.”

The blue-eyed woman let out a sigh, trying not to wince at how cold Tobin’s voice sounded as she talked. “But-”

“Alex.”

Her shoulders dropped and she hung her head in defeat.

“Okay.”

 

-

 

Alex and her friends watched Tobin curiously as she ordered some foreign beer they hadn’t tried before. She seemed confident in her choice and appeared to be swallowing it down with no problem.

After a moment, she noticed their strange looks. “What?” Tobin asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“You hardly ever drink,” Kelley said slowly, as if Tobin was now a foreign creature. “And when you do, it’s not that.” She pointed to the beer bottle in Tobin’s hand.

Tobin looked at the bottle then back at Kelley and to her other friends. She offered a shrug with a short reply of, “I tried it in France.”

Some of her friends shrugged it off, but Kelley and Alex exchanged a confused glance. Kelley, of course, decided to try a teasing approach.

“You went to a bar alone like a loser?”

The taller one laughed, rolling her eyes. “No you idiot. I had a friend bring me. She suggested I try it, and I did. I liked it. I mean, it was strong the first few times, but I got used to it.” She let out a soft chuckle before taking another sip. “I don’t see what the big deal is, guys.”

Alex eyed her slowly. She noticed how at the mention of a “friend”, Tobin’s lips turned upward and her eyes sparkled more. The one thing that was frustrating about Tobin was that her life in Paris was mostly a complete mystery to her American friends, Alex included.

“Which friend?” she asked, trying to pry information from her.

Tobin bit her lip, hesitating.

She’s hiding something.

Before she could answer, Tobin’s phone began to vibrate on the table. Alex peered over to look at the caller ID, but her best friend quickly swiped it up.  “I have to answer this,” Tobin announced, hopping off her seat and jogging towards the exit as she held the phone to her ear.

Alex looked at Kelley, who had a perplexed expression on her face.

“Something’s up,” Kelley announced, confirming Alex’s suspicions.

“Definitely.”

A small smirk played Kelley’s lips as she added, “Our little Tobin’s been pretty busy in Paris.”

The thought made Alex’s stomach drop.

 

Tobin returned a few minutes later with a wide smile on her face that Alex wanted slap off.

“Who was that?” she asked, trying to seem casual as she did so. “You have your stupid big grin on your face,” she half-teased. But really, it was a stupid grin that she did not cause, so Alex was a little more than unhappy about it.

“My friend from Paris,” Tobin answered simply, hopping back onto her seat and grabbing the beer. “She’s the one who got me to try this.” She waved the bottle in the air before taking a swig.

Alex raised an eyebrow. “Oh. Did you meet her at work?”

“Sort of,” the older one chuckled. She didn’t offer any other information on the mysterious Parisian friend.

That’s what troubled Alex the most about this situation. Tobin was usually always willing to talk about her friends. She typically told stories and shared personalities about her friends. Yet this “friend” from France was different. Alex didn’t know what she was like at all – hell, she didn’t even know the friend’s name. She, along with everything else that Tobin experienced in Paris, was a complete mystery to the younger woman.

 

-

 

Alex groaned as Tobin’s phone began to vibrate and ring from the table. She looked towards the hallway, expecting Tobin to come answer it, but she was nowhere in sight.

“TOBIN!” she screamed. “Come answer your damn phone! This ringtone is annoying!”

There was a second of silence before Tobin replied, “Just let it go to voicemail! I’ll be ready to go in a second!”

The younger one huffed. Then a thought occurred to her. She sat up from her position on the couch, forgetting the TV show she was watching as she waited for Tobin. She leaned over to the table, grabbing Tobin’s phone up as it continued to ring. She looked at the screen to see it was an unknown number. Alex frowned, wondering where it could possibly be from. She hesitated, but answered anyway.

“Hello?”

“ _Allo? Tobin?_ ”

Oh. A French woman was on the other line.

“No…” Alex said slowly, her brows knitted together as she listened to the unfamiliar voice. “Tobin is getting ready to go out with friends. This is Alex, her best friend,” she stated very firmly. “Who are you?”

“Oh Alex! I have heard about you!”

The French accent was prominent in the woman’s voice, and Alex knew it had to be one of Tobin’s friends from Paris. “Oh really? You still didn’t answer my question.”

“ _Oh, désolé! I am Laure, Tobin’s…uh…girlfriend, as you call it?_ ”

“Alright, I’m ready!” Tobin called, jogging down the hallway. She came to a hard stop when she saw her phone pressed against Alex’s ear.

Alex’s stomach dropped as something hit her heart. Her throat thickened and she had to clench her jaw. Too many emotions were running through her at once. Anger, sadness, and bitterness, just to name a few.

“Tobin’s girlfriend? Huh.” Alex stared at Tobin with her eyes on fire. She was sending daggers.

Tobin’s eyes widened and she raced to the phone, snatching it out of Alex’s hand.

“Oh my god, Laure?”

Alex crossed her arms, watching Tobin with a hard stare. She was hurt and upset and had no clue what was going to come out of her mouth as soon as Tobin hung up.

The older woman hurriedly spoke a few sentences in French on the phone and hung up, letting her shoulders drop.

“I told you to let it go to voicemail,” she said in a low voice.

Alex ignored her. “Girlfriend, Tobin?”

She could’ve run away. Maybe she should have. But Alex wanted answers and she knew she had to force them out of Tobin now. Weeks of wondering and hoping and waiting had led to nothing. Now all the answers were about to unravel before her.

Tobin didn’t answer her. Instead, the older woman dropped her gaze to the ground.

“How long?” Alex asked, venom in her voice. Her body was shaking and she wasn’t sure if it was because she was angry or because she wanted to cry.

“Three months,” Tobin mumbled. Her eyes remained glued to the floor.

“And you weren’t going to tell me?” Hurt was evident in Alex’s voice and when Tobin looked up, she noticed the vulnerability in Alex’s eyes.

“I was,” Tobin said, putting her phone down. “I swear, Alex, I was. I just…I didn’t know how.”

“Didn’t know how?!” Alex exclaimed, looking at her in disbelief. “How about ‘Hi Alex, here’s a few things you’ve missed out on with my life while I was gone’?!”

The older one cringed at Alex’s raised voice, but decided to hold her own. “I’m sorry, but telling my best friend that I kissed the night before I left that I have a girlfriend isn’t exactly easy!”

Alex thought about the time Tobin had been back. The loose hugs, how quickly she stiffened at contact, the first time they went onto her rooftop…Alex should’ve known.

“Wait, am I the last one to know? Am I the only one who didn’t know?” the blue-eyed woman asked, her voice softening. “God, I’m so stupid! To think…to think I could make up for my stupid mistake.”

Tobin was about to say something, but was stopped by the second part of Alex’s spiel. “What? Your mistake? What are you talking about?”

Alex bit her lip, looking away. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“Alex.”

“No!” Alex said, putting her hand up. “Just forget I said anything, okay?”

Tobin crossed her arms. “No. Tell me why. Tell me what mistake you made! We’re best friends, Alex!”

“Fine!” Alex screamed, giving up any control she had. “You want to know why Tobin? Because you’re not the only one with feelings for your best friend!”

Tobin looked at her in disbelief. “W-what?” She wasn’t sure if she had heard Alex correctly.

Alex looked at her with watery eyes, trying hard to blink back tears. “I never wanted to admit it, Tobin. I was so scared. And I thought…I thought I was still in love with him.”

Her voice had more of a rasp to it and it made Tobin want to reach out and hug her, but there was too much of a mess between them. Too many things they left unanswered. Too many things they didn’t understand.

“But I wasn’t,” Alex continued, shaking her head. “It was you. This whole time I was falling for you.  I was just too stupid to realize it.” She lets out a soft laugh, rolling her eyes. “It wasn’t until you had boarded your flight that morning after you kissed me that I finally admitted maybe…just maybe, I had feelings for you too.”

Tobin’s heart broke. Months ago this was what she wanted. Hell, four months ago she would’ve wanted this. But things were different now. They were different and Tobin hated that fact because she knew the old her would have wanted this more than anything. To hear Alex admit she felt something too felt like a dream, but that’s all it had been at the time: a dream. Now that it was really happening, Tobin’s broken heart grew heavy.

“You could’ve called,” Tobin offered lamely.

“I was scared you hated me,” Alex admitted, wiping at her eyes to stop any tears there.

Tobin looked at Alex, really looked at her. It was then she noticed just how fragile Alex had become in the past few minutes.

“I could never hate you,” she stated. Letting out a sigh, she ran a hand through her hair before continuing. “If you had called me, Alex, we could’ve talked. We could have worked it out. I would’ve jumped on a plane to see you. I would’ve done anything because...it’s you.”

Alex took it all in for a moment before saying, “You would have?”

Tobin nodded. “Would have. But Alex…do you remember what you told me before you left that night?” When Alex stayed silent, Tobin continued. “You told me that if I found someone in Paris, I should go for it, and that I shouldn’t think about you.”

As the words came out of Tobin’s mouth, Alex visibly cringed. How she wished she could take back those words.

“So I did,” Tobin said with a simple shrug. “Laure came into my life and I went for it.”

Alex only nodded.

Tobin knew she was breaking Alex. She knew she was hurting her. But there was nothing she could do to make her feel better.

“She makes me happy, Alex. For the first time in a long time, I’m with someone who really makes me happy. So happy that I’m willing to do this long distance thing for awhile until she figures things out and comes here.”

“She’s coming here?” Alex asks, feeling her heart break all over again.

Tobin nodded. “One day, yeah.”

“Oh.”

They both stood in silence. Alex was holding back her tears as Tobin tried not to watch her best friend and former love break in front of her.

Finally, Tobin said, “If things were different, we could’ve worked out.”

“I know,” Alex replied with a small voice.

“I’m sorry,” Tobin offered.

Alex looked at her with tears beginning to stream down her face. “I know you are, Tobin. And I’m glad Laure makes you happy. Just know that I wish it was me and not her.”

Without another word, Alex walked out of the house.


End file.
